this was from a few weeks ago looking back

'graduation' isn't as frightening as i thought it would be. my insecurities lay more on the fourth floor of the fine arts building in the halls of each aisle lingering between the lockers and the frowns of disappointed professors. I have been enjoying my new found freedom and will always wish i were somewhere else. i sat on my parent's front porch last night staring at the sky. it was too cloudy for a viewing of the moon. i used to have a better recognition of the waxing and waning of the moon. now i kind of just attempt to photograph it whenever i can, take the moment to look up at the sky in search of stars, or i check the internet for the moon's cycle chart. i have been having a couple of tough times trying to understand human nature or at least in regards to people i have met in the last year or so. sometimes i wonder what its like to have a consistent group of people that are always there no matter how lonely you may be. the loneliest place in the world is the one in my chest. i used to try and call certain people whenever it truly hurt because i was afraid(and continue to worry) i was dying. some people like to cut,burn, or drink until they no longer feel anything or the pain is just as bad as the emotional variety and that is when they feel free. i've learned quite a bit from NOT doing most of those destructive things. i know better. i don't drink to get wasted. for the longest time i was convinced that the only time people could communicate with me was when they were drunk because i already talk too much as it is when i am sober and being in a drinking situation made it easier for people to 'handle' me. (i say this on reflection of a few conversations i've had with close friends. i'm a piece of work. i can't help that my chemical structure is off kilter. 'intense' is another adjective to describe the way i am when my mouth is open and i am speaking)
when i am sitting on my window seat in my tiny nook of a bedroom on the second floor looking out onto many lights and the vibrations from the street below intensify as the traffic light turns green, i wonder what travis and morgan are doing across the street. yet i am HAPPY that i can actually visualize and know that the steeple on the black and white house is THEIR HOUSE.
and i can visit and vice versa.
ive never been great at conclusions or finishing a story without starting another one but i just consider my blog an easier way for people who know me or do not or did for a few moments(i tend to meet people and have epic adventures that could span between 2 hours to 2 days....i was lucky enough to spend two months in adventure-never neverland walking over the williamsburg bridge and sharing thoughts and cookies and drawings during last winter and althogh it is gone forever, at least i was lucky enough to have it for a little while.)
maybe 'magic'(ie; the things that make your cheek muscles ache from smiling so hard and so openly that you can feel your breath on the back of your teeth as the grin widens like the man in the moon's. or when you find a metrocard with unlimited abilities or an iphone-i miss mine, or a stray cat that walks up to you and gives you the nicest greeting on a very bitter winter's night when you feel hopeless and he rubs his nose on your calf and although you can't take the cat home,you buy him a can of cat food to fillhis empty belly and you lean against the carlot so happy that you could give something to a small creature and feel so happy and complete regardless of the cost. or my all time depiction of magic is acquiring a car and driving to the ocean and staring at the moon and/or Ursa Minor and Ursa Major or maybe just a couple of unnamed stars yet to be named. maybe i'm luckier than i thought. maybe the epic moments make up for the other 75% where i am alone. then again, maybe those minimal moments were well worth it.